giovedì 19 luglio 2007

sPeCcHiO rIfLeSsO

Ora che mi guardi, con quegli occhi chiari: cicatrizzati e asciutti i solchi lasciati dalle lacrime.
Ora che mi parli: muta ad urlare solo quello sguardo.
Ora che mi tocchi: lo spazio di più passi, ad affettare minuti lunghi come lance.
Un tremito ti vibra dentro e io lo sento in gola.
Un tic spaventato singhiozza nei pensieri ed io lo fermo con le tempie.
Una botta alle tue spalle: come qualcuno che mi inviti a muovere, con colpi sgraziati e sgarbati e grossolani, quest’ammasso di corpo maleodorante verso i tuoi profumati scintillii da pelle sudata.
Succede a te: lo intendo io!
Amplificato ogni dolore: rimbalza tramortendomi.
Sei una bambina: hai unito le dita, intrecciandole per gioco.
Pam: specchio riflesso. E le falangi m’han scricchiolato addosso impunemente il male.
Eccoci innanzi: fantocci deboli e rapiti.
Innamorati e fragili.
Tramortiti, inebetiti, ipnotizzati, sedotti, avviluppati da questo senso.
Abbasso le spalle per dichiararmi sconfitto: gli occhi planano sulla punta delle scarpe, là, in fondo, lontanissimi.
Ho un corpo che si srotola in autostrada: graffiti delle gomme come ricordi e la pelle asfalto in cui s’incidono il quindici d’agosto.

Immaginavo il contatto, stringendo l’inguine in una voglia sola: quella che trasformava le altre volontà in sconcissime genuflessioni.
Leccavo pensieri pulsanti come un taglio aperto e sanguinante sotto il sole: febbre e delirio, concitazione e sogno.
Agognavo penetrazione e possesso, bramando staticità esterna e libera gioia.
Avevo fame ma era la tua carne a divorarmi d’aquolina: avrei ingoiato il dentro delle cosce, le fosse delle ascelle, zigomi e collo, orbite, lobi e denti e peli. Tutto, in qualche sempiterno istante: immacolata e compulsiva deglutizione fallica.
Indescrivibile ed infinito orgasmo.

A-iu-to.
Ci deve essere qualcosa che si possa fare per impedire l’inevitabile.
Manca l’ossigeno se la tua immagine mi arriva pure a palpebre serrate.
Il più vivido e presente dei ricordi.
Ecco i capelli, morbidi e sfrenati: un aroma che fa saltare natiche e cuore, simultaneamente, in scatto di gioia e desiderio.
Un’onda di piacere puro, solletico e languore, al centro della lingua che schiocca sul palato: a disegnare il contorno della tua mousse di labbra.
Respiro quell’aria di narici da bambola, infilando la punta del mio naso in ogni anfratto che voglia accogliermi.
Non dirmi sciocco se disperato ripeto solo grazie dopo l’incontro senza nome.
Vorrei, semplice, allargarmi per contenerti tutta mentre sospiri di sollievo e farti piccola, perché la vista della tua anima non debba mai mancarmi.
Non dirmi sciocco se nemmeno avrei sperato ma, continuando a sperare, ho consumato anni.
Vigliacco sì, nella paura del terrore.
Ora.

Gli stessi pensieri ballavano sulle spalle minute, incorniciavano sorrisi larghi e trattenevano nei ricci risate forti e sicure.
Era una scia che ricordava la sicurezza dell’affetto cui potersi poggiare: stampella solida nei sentimenti claudicanti e puri.
Riempiva spazi e dilatava tempi, quell’essere miracoloso: reso mitico e perfetto e unico dall’assenza.
Perché piccino ero e minuscolo diventavo con l’allontanarsi di quella gonna ondeggiante intorno al nulla.
Fino allo sparire dell’orlo, come la striscia che divide mare e cielo: lasciando unicamente quel niente evidenziato.
Una musica che sbiadisce, un colore che perde volume.
Come passi di danza andanti a morire, battiti di mano che non sono applausi.
La recita è finita: un unico spettatore pagante il monologo tragico della scomparsa.
E l’attore, senza concedere bis, scappa con l’incasso.



Mia madre: sapeva correre.
Ho chiesto scusa, un secolo di suppliche.

Per le unghie nere sotto e le ginocchia scorticate dalla disattenzione, i piatti rotti ed i ripiani rigati da matite colorate, la polvere nascosta dal tappeto e le mutande sporche dietro, i ritardi non annunciati e i voti bassi strappati dal diario, le corse in moto senza casco ed il mutismo davanti alla tv, i peli della barba lasciati nel lavabo e il water dimenticato aperto.

Pacche sulla spalla: da un uomo abbandonato seduto in bilico sul dito di un bambino lasciato solo.
Mai quella voce femmina che regalasse il perdono.
Mia madre: sapeva correre.


Ora.
Lentamente mi volto.
E cedo.
Lascio prima di venir lasciato ancora.
Muoio: decido di uccidermi per non venire assassinato.
Perché il sentirmi indegno è un mostro chiuso nell’armadio e la salvezza l’ interruttore, posto dall’altro lato della stanza. Buia.
Siamo di nuovo piccoli ma è finito il gioco.
Mi chiedi se è uno scherzo giurando eterna quella voce e il resto: diventa serio e distantissimo l’addio.
Ho chiesto scusa non posso perdonare: la tua colpa è fatta di me che ti amo a questo modo.

Così ho corso: anch’io.

43 commenti:

reversibile ha detto...

Ultimamente sto Bruciando vivo, ascolto molto gli After, e penso a quanto siamo simili, e mi viene in mente Norma Jean.
Il lexotan, oggi ho riletto la mia poesia, e mi e' tornato in mente quel profumo di frutti di bosco chimici, coltivati all'ombra dell'anima.

Vedo che non scrivi piu' ne' su questo blog ne' su quello scuro che tanto amavo (non che io non ami questo sia chiaro).

So che ci sei, da qualche parte, so che ci leggi, e ci "ami" come sempre e' stato.

HO iniziato a leggere Boudelaire, il che e' come suicidare il cervello con dosi troppo alte di simililarieta'. Come si puo' essere simili a qualcuno che non hai mai letto ne' conosciuto, e sentirti cosi' NON SOLO per una volta???

Spero di sentirti presto, di leggere un'amara storia che faccia TONFARE il cuore, e distillare ANIMA da questo piccolo volo verso il basso.

Un forte abbraccio,
forte quanto la marea,
forte quanto la mancanza.

REVERSIBILE aka (solo per te) TDjr

tEmPhE ha detto...

...T.D.j.: ho poche parole.
confuse per la preoccupazione di deludere. ancora.

vorrei invitarti qui, dove spesso sono io:
http://www.scrivere.deagostini.it/forum/
ma ti sono vicina.
fortissimamente: come quell'abbrraccio.

Anonimo ha detto...

Sono tornato.
E tu sei qui.
In questo modo.
Meno male.
V.

tEmPhE ha detto...
Questo commento è stato eliminato dall'autore.
tEmPhE ha detto...

...v.: sapessi il modo, sapessi il modo.
ma probabilmente è il tuo stesso: lacrime e tachicardia.
e quella sensazione di inadeguatezza.
preludio del malessere più malato.
ti aspettavo.

reversibile ha detto...

felice di vedere il tuo ritorno, non deludi, almeno me, non deludi.

Un forte abbraccio,
come uno schianto.

Rev TdJ

Anonimo ha detto...

leggere l'intero blog, pretty good

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Thanks for the comment.

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